


Almost Too Much For My Soul Alone

by GeckoGirl89



Category: SKAM Austin
Genre: Angst, Broken Friendship, Closeted Character, F/F, Gen, Guilt, Hinted Bisexuality, Homophobia, Hurt No Comfort, Lesbian Character, Mentions of Past Megan/Marlon, Regret, Season/Series 02, Unrequited Love, shay pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-21 04:31:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14908380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeckoGirl89/pseuds/GeckoGirl89
Summary: Shay saw Megan kissing Kelsey from across the room. The fact that she managed to still hold onto her beer and didn’t spew it everywhere is pretty impressive, all things considered.





	Almost Too Much For My Soul Alone

**Author's Note:**

> I saw someone on tumblr mentioning that the original versions of Megan and Kelsey (Eva and Vilde) drunkenly kissed at a party during the second season of the original SKAM, and the user pointed out that witnessing Meg and Kelsey kissing would obviously be hard for Shay to see. After watching all of the current SKAM Austin episodes, I got inspired to write this fic.
> 
> The title of this fic comes from a line in the Fleurie song "Hurts Like Hell." I tried to keep everyone relatively in character, but Tyler may come across as a little nicer in this fic than he does on the show. I thought that would make sense since Tyler is Shay's friend and she wouldn't hang out with him if he was a complete jerk all the time.

Shay is only on her second beer of the night, but she’s already feeling sick, like she’s some middle schooler who never drank alcohol before. The thing is, Shay has definitely gotten wasted before, usually with Marlon and Tyler after one of their band rehearsals. She has even gotten drunk enough to need to wear her sunglasses indoors because of a terrible hangover and not just because she looks awesome in them.

But Shay has never felt like this before.

A few seconds ago, she came out of the kitchen, and she had only managed to have a sip of her Shiner before a gigantic football player moved out of her way and Shay could see Megan kissing Kelsey from across the room.

The fact that she managed to still hold onto her beer and didn’t spew it everywhere is pretty impressive, all things considered.

As she stands frozen in shock, she can hear the jocks reacting to the two girls, whistling and making dumb comments like Megs and Kelsey are putting on a show for their entertainment. Shay grimaces and takes a long swig of her beer to swallow down the bitter taste suddenly burning in her throat. For some reason, hearing guys act all gross about girls doing stuff with each other has always made Shay feel particularly disgusted, almost violated in a way. Like the most secret, vulnerable parts of herself don’t matter and don’t even belong to her. And she hates when straight girls play along with male entitlement to get attention from guys.

Which might be what’s happening here. Shay doesn’t know that Kelsey girl very well, but she did seem super peppy and overly intense about the whole dance team thing she and Megs were starting up. Maybe popularity is “crucial” enough for Kelsey to do something like that, but she doesn’t think Megan is like that.

Shay’s gaze flickers up as Meg’s hand runs over her friend Kelsey’s cheek, and she's unable to keep the frown off of her face as she sees Meg’s lips moving in a way that makes it obvious that her tongue is in Kelsey’s mouth. Shay always felt annoyed and secretly hurt last year when she saw Megan kissing Marlon, but somehow seeing Meg kiss another girl and look totally into it is actually worse. Her hands involuntarily clench into fists, and Shay feels like punching something, herself maybe. Because she remembers how it used to be, the easy conversations they had over FaceTime and when Shay could get Meg away from Marlon for two seconds, the flutter in her stomach when Meg called her “extremely beautiful and insanely cool,” lying on a bed next to Megan and holding her hand. And fuck, it hurts to think that maybe Megan wasn’t exclusively into guys and that Shay could have been the one kissing her at parties if she hadn’t been stupid and jealous and in enough pain to break Meg’s trust and ruin their friendship by sending that tip in to the OverheardBouldin account.

It’s not like any of that matters anymore.

Megan pulls away with the same smile that she used to give Marlon after they kissed, and the Kelsey girl is smiling too, more shyly and with a pink blush tinting her pale cheeks, which would actually be kind of cute if Shay was into that sort of thing. She attempts to convince herself that she isn’t into any of it as she turns away and blinks away the tears that shouldn’t be forming in her eyes. Shay moves through the crowd quickly in the hopes that she will spot Tyler or Marlon soon. If she says she wants to go home, they should be willing to give her a ride out of here and away from this football player party that isn’t even their usual scene anyway.

As she’s attempting to maneuver her way past a large group of girls she doesn’t know too well, she overhears their conversation.

“Ugh, those two have got to be the grossest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“I know. Like seriously, kill me if I’m ever wasted or slutty enough to go all lesbo.”

The first girl giggles, and Shay grits her teeth in frustration. “Excuse me, could you get out of my way?” Her words come out angrier than she intended them to.

A third one scoffs, straightening to her full height and glancing up at Shay with contempt, as if she’s some cockroach that needs to be squished under her platform sandals. “What’s your problem? Are you a dyke too, or are you just a regular loser?”

The word  _ dyke _ stings more than it should, but Shay’s expression hardly flickers as the girls laugh at the pathetic attempt at a joke. She shrugs nonchalantly, like she isn’t bothered. It’s a skill she picked up a long time ago, one she knew would be necessary to survive in a world full of bullies just waiting for a chance to strike at a person’s vulnerabilities. And Shay is a lot more vulnerable than she would ever let anyone see. “I’m just looking for a way out of the lamest party I’ve ever been too,” she says, smirking to herself as the girl who called her a dyke blinks in surprise. Serves her right.

Shay turns to walk in another direction, soon spotting Tyler sitting on a couch by himself and looking bored out of his skull. She grins and punches him lightly on the shoulder before she sits down next to him. “Having fun there, man?”

Tyler shakes his head. “Not really. It’s not like I even know anybody here. We only came here because of Marlon’s new girlfriend.”

It’s true. Marlon is currently dating Amanda, one of the newer recruits to the Kittens dance team, which is the only reason any of them went to a party for the popular kids. For all that Marlon pretends to be deep by disdaining sports teams and claiming that the social hierarchy at school is some kind of fascist system, he clearly has a type, and his type is pretty, peppy girls on the Kittens dance team. Not that Meg can’t relate. Those uniforms can be kind of distracting, and Shay sighs with longing as she remembers how cute Meg used to look in hers as she walked down the hallway arm in arm with her former best friend Abby.

Tyler clears his throat, and Shay turns to see that he is giving her a strange, somewhat concerned look. “What’s up, Shay? You were totally acting like your head was in the clouds a second ago.”

Shay rolls her shoulders back and yawns for affect. “Nothing, really. I just kind of spaced out a little. Must be ‘cause I’m about as bored as you are.”

“You need me to give you a ride back to your place?” Tyler offers. “Or since it’s still kind of early, I guess we could stop by my house for a while? I got a new video game last week and haven’t got a chance to try it out yet.”

A video game, especially the first-person shooter kind Tyler likes, sounds like a much better option than socializing with assholes at a dumb party she hadn’t been too thrilled about attending in the first place or wallowing about her confusion and loneliness at home. As a bonus, pretending to fight Nazis or zombies or aliens or whatever will be a great way to release some of the tension from this evening that’s simmering just under the surface. Tyler can be kind of a dick occasionally, but Shay feels comfortable just chilling around him, even when she’s messed up like this. She has known Tyler almost as long as she’s known Marlon and she’s spent a lot of time with him over the years. 

Shay grins as she comes to a decision.  “You sure you’re ready for me to kick your ass again, Ty?”

Tyler laughs. “We’ll see who’s ass will be kicked by the end of the night. I’m gonna send Marlon a text to let him know where we went, and then we’ll get out of here.”

Shay nods as Tyler pulls out his phone. Marlon had driven to the party with his girlfriend earlier, so it should be fine to leave him there. It’s not like he will be stranded without a ride.

Once Tyler sends the message, he stands up and pockets his phone. Shay follows him slowly through the living room as they weave their way between drunken teenagers and random couples making out. When they get out onto the front porch, Shay feels like she can finally breathe. That feeling stays when she sits down in Tyler’s car and stares out the window while he drives, blocking out the events of the evening in favor of staring at trees and listening to the CD playing in Tyler’s car. By the time Tyler pulls up to his house, Shay isn’t feeling totally alright, but she feels well enough to pretend she’s okay, at least for the next couple hours.

  
  


**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [I Need a Drink (Whiskey Ain't My Thing)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14984282) by [LalaRose27](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LalaRose27/pseuds/LalaRose27)




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